How to Lose Like a Democrat
Dear GOP Candidate:
I know things look bad out there right now. Your values were (slightly) rebuffed by a majority of the country if you believe the numbers. If you don’t believe the numbers, then dark, nefarious dealings are afoot. Enemies lurk around every corner and in every shadow. You can’t even trust members of your own party. It feels impossible that things went this way, that you’re living in some kind of alternate universe where nothing makes sense and you don’t know what to do next.
Trust me, we know how it feels.
Once you’re most of the way through the five stages of electoral grief (denial, protesting, refusing to bargain, donating, and finally letting your AG accept the results so you don’t have to), you may find some solace from an unlikely source: Democrats!
See, Democrats have been losing elections since long before you or I were born. Like wise masters honing skills over generations, they have found the near-perfect formula to continue brazenly asking for donations from supporters while showing no fundamental understanding of why they lost nor revealing a willingness to change.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not easy! Anyone can lose, but it takes a true Democrat to lose and double down on the reasons they lost time and again. It takes some serious grit, grit that would’ve been useful before the election, but nobody’s perfect, least of all candidates for office.
So, take a moment to swallow your pride (though not all of it at once, you don’t want to choke), and take a lesson from the guys and gals who wrote the book on losing elections on how to land, if not on your feet, at least on your knees:
· Go for a hike in the woods. I know the public assets you wish to sell off to strip miners is a sensitive topic, but it’s helpful to enjoy the quiet of the natural world with zero self-reflection on what just transpired.
· Blame the media for thinking you had a chance. What are all those talking heads for, anyway, if they can’t see what’s in Americans’ hearts before we vote?
· Blame members of your own party. This may be the most important one of all. If it’s not your own party’s fault, whose could it be? Certainly not the other guys for reading the room and presenting a message that’s timely and takes the expressed needs of constituents into account.
· Do lots of handwringing and wondering what you did wrong without actually looking at the evidence. This one is vital as well, and ties into blaming members of your own party. Instead of digging deep into the numbers and reading exit polls to see what the #1 issue for voters was this cycle, just make it up! Think about what your knee-jerk assumptions are about the demographic groups that you’d like to blame, then assume they’re true. This saves lots of time and ensures that next election, you’re sure to make the same mistakes, and you can get even better at losing.
· Promise your corporate donors they will get the same deal from the other side. Thankfully, most donors at the corporate level don’t give two red cents who’s in office as long as lawmakers ensure the fast lane is open and toll-free for them. Tell your donors that you will personally carry the deals they made with you across the aisle, where they’ll be honored. The peoples’ needs come first, and corporations are the richest people!
· Promise your supporters next time will be different while fundamentally changing nothing. The way to ensure you’re still viable as a party without paying attention to your voters’ needs in any way is promises, promises! The truth is, American voters don’t really care what you do once you’re in office, they just want you to look great and say the right things on the way there. Have a press conference with your family standing behind you so you look authentic, put on your best sad puppy face while holding your head high, and tell everyone that you’re proud of the campaign you ran (even though you aren’t), that their support means everything to you (even though it doesn’t); and that you’re going to spend some time focusing on your family and your business which is now peddling influence for cash.
After all that, it’s time to make your next moves. If you’re under 55, just aim for a higher office next time. If you lose again, you’ll be in good company. If you’re over 55, call up those corporate donors and snag a lucrative lobbyist gig! By now, you’ve spent enough time around voters to know they really just want a good salesman with plenty of cash and years of demographic research to tell them what they want to hear.
Finally, if voters are just tired of looking at your face, give them a taste of your voice with a memoir that paints you as the renegade hero against the slings and arrows of establishment politicians. Then you can coast on the royalties and, just maybe, even start to believe it yourself.
